I so wish I was able to surrender all of me to Christ. It's so hard to have faith in something you can't see. I'd love to cast all of my cares on Him, but I can't trust that they will be taken care of. I want so badly to just be able to trust him. Why can't I? I pray constantly that I would be able to surrender my plans. There's this song that says this:

Ruin my life, the plans that I've made, Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain, destroy the idols that have taken Your place, until it's you alone I live for.

I pray that He would do that in my life. I think I'm prepared and ready for that change... if I'm able to make it. If that makes sense.

This is kind of how I feel right now:

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I've been so caught up in trival matters that I have not spent time with the only thing that really matters.

I don't know who I think I am. Do I think I'm okay without Him? I must be crazy. What is wrong with me?

It's so hard for me to trust and have faith. So so so difficult. Why can't I just have faith?

I'm driving myself crazy. I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk and I hate myself for that.

I deserve nothing, I wish He would take it all away. Would I have faith then?