Sometimes, I just want to completly give up, and right now, I feel like ranting, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Some things I hate:
I hate that I complain that there's nothing to eat in the house, when people are starving to death all over the world.
I hate that I can't help anyone who truly NEEDS help.
I hate that I can't get a date.
I hate that I am so self-centered.
I hate the way I can't change even though I want to.
I hate that I always feel like I'm wasting my time.
I hate that I'm not a better person.
I hate it when my friends say they're fat.
I hate being just "the friend".
I hate two-faced people.
I hate the drama of high school.
I hate how I hate myself.
I hate that I can never say what's on my mind.
I hate girls who think they own you.
I hate guys that aren't fair to their girlfriend.
I hate it when people don't listen to me, the one time I know what I'm talking about.
I hate war.
I hate the lack of respect for our president.

I hate, that I hate so many things.
I hate hatred.

I needed that. Me. Me. Me. The one place where everything can finally be about me. I like.... knowing that this is the one place I can just write, without caring.

I'm sick of caring.

1. Do you like anyone?: yes
2. Do they know it?: no
3. Simple or complicated?: simple

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U'S
4. Ran a mile: no
5. Bought something: yep
6. Gotten sick?: no
7. Been hugged?: yes

8. Felt stupid?: mm hm
9. Talked to an ex: no
10. Missed someone: yes
11. Failed a test: probably
13. Danced: uh... no
14. Gotten your hair cut?: yes

U N I Q U E
16. Nervous habits?: laughing
17. Are you double jointed?: no
18. Can you roll your tongue?: yeah
19. Can you raise one eyebrow?: both of them?
20. Can you cross your eyes: yeah yeah
21. Do you make your bed daily?: mm no
22. Do you think you are unique?: yep

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S
23. Said "I Love you": to family members
24. Given money to a homeless person?: money, clothes, food, you name it
25. Went to a party?: have i ever gone to a party?! YES!
26. Waited all night for a phone call?: no
27. Snuck out?: no
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: yes!

M A N N E R S
29. Do you swear/curse?: no.... rarely... not in public
30. Do you ever spit?: sometimes... outside
31. You cook your own food?: sometimes
32. You do your own chores?: i dont really have any
33. You like beef jerky?: no
35. You're happy with your hair?: kinda
36. You own a dog?: yes!
38. Do you like to swim?: yep!
39. When you get bored do you call friends?: yeah

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S
41. Flowers or angels?: both
42. Gray or black?: black
43. Color or black and white photos: black and white
44. Lust or love?: LOVE!
45. Sunrise or sunset?: sunset
46. M&Ms or Skittles?: M&MS
47. Rap or rock?: Rock!
48. waking up late or waking up early?: late
49. Being hot or cold?: cold
50. Winter or Fall?: fall
51. Left or right?: right
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?: 2 best friends
53. Sunshine or rain?: both
54. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: chocolate

HAVE YOU EVER...
Slept in a bed of with opposite sex?: no
Hooked up in the woods?: haha... not yet
Been Dumped?: no
Stolen money from a friend?: No
Had a crush on a teacher?: haha... maybe
Seen someone die?:no
Been on an airplane?: no
Slept all day?: yes
Missed someone so much it hurt?: Yes...
Fallen asleep during school?: yes!
Been lonely?: Yeah.
Cheated in a game?: when i was like 4
Been to the ER?: yes
Been in a car accident?: no... except the garage jumped in front of me one time
Had detention?: yes... for laughing
skipped detention?: no
cried yourself to sleep?: yes
Done something you told yourself you'd never do again?: yes
Sung in the shower?: all the time
sleep with more than 2 people in 1 weekend?: no!
Laughed so hard you cried?: haha yes!
Not been able to remember your night?: no... good memory... clean
Regretted hurting someone?: yes
Regretted loving someone?: NO
Ever been SUPER happy?: yes!

blah blah blah blah blah

so last night was the worst night of my life, i'm not giving details because honestly, you don't care, and i don't really care to tell you. i cried my eyes out. but. anyway.

i always wish i had more of what i already have enough of. i've realized in the last couple weeks just how spoiled i am, and i'm embarrassed. i don't want to be greedy when i get older and i dont think i will be. all i want is a family and most importantly God. that's all i need, thats all anyone needs, i need to make sure i keep that in my head. posscessions on this earth are worth NOTHING.

[x ]I think I'm ugly.
[x] I tan easily. (i burn easily too!)
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have braces.
[x ] I wear glasses. contacts
[x ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] i have freckles

Family/Home Life

[x ] I've sworn at my parents
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are not together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[x] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years. (does merit roll count?)
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment

[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public

Health

[x] I've gotten stitches
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[ ] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[posibly this fall!] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to Australia.
[ ] I've been to the Eiffel Tower.

Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've played spin the bottle
[ ] I've been in a car crash.)
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[ ] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi
[ ] I've watched someone die.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.i wish

Honesty/Crime

[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test/quiz.
[x] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've been with someone while they were going out with someone else

Drugs/Alcohol

[x] I've drank alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem

Crying/Self Esteem

[ ] I am/have been anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I sometimes hate myself
[x :/] I've wanted someone to just slit my throat or kill me in some sort of way

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I used to collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random

[salt shaker count] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[ ] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.(
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[x] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x]I bake well
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.(!)
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.(!)
[ ] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

YOUR TURN!

so... i'm not so sure what i'm feeling right now. that's probably not good right? i think i'm starting to realize that i can do just fine on my own. i think God is telling me something. he did this on purpose, i think being a teenager it's easy to get caught up with the normal teenage drama. boys... for the most part. honestly, i think i'm starting to realize, that i'm fine just on my own. i like this feeling. knowing that all i need is God to complete me. i have yearned for this feeling for forever. i hope this lasts... i want to feel independent.

i think God is trying to help me get through a few stuggles in my life. i feel like i'm under a lot of stress... lots of decisions, lots of let downs, lots of things about myself i am not happy with. i know what god wants me to do, and all i hope is that i can do it, with God's help of course. but i heard a pastor say this last night, "If you take one step to God, he will take 100 to you.". I liked that sooo much. if we surrendur our lives to God, he will bless me in return. i need to trust, and learn how to trust, not only more trust for god. but for everone in my life. i've been let down so many times i have just figured the only cure for that is just not to trust at all. being independent is fine for awhile, but you get lonely, and more lost. we need people. no no no. we need God.

i'm not really sure what else to say. i'm not sure if i'm happy for sad.... i'm terrible at trying to figure out my feelings.